| Sorry. Life made me forget about LJ |
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15 November 2006 @ 1:11 AM
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I'm back.. and because I write in a journal a lot now, I'll just transfer that shit here so I can get back into the swing of things and please Brandi.
Aimlessly and without purpose I walk around with my chin up high and I don’t even know why. I fill my head with lies to persuade myself that I’m alive for myself and not just other people. I was put here to change others and not get anything out of life for myself. My mother sat me down and told me God gave me to her for her to better her life, if it wasn’t for me… she’d prolly be a lost cause. I love my mom more than anything in this world and to hear her say that makes me feel wonderful but why else am I here? I can’t be living for my mother, can I?
I laid in the bed crying and crying because the worthlessness of my life seems that it shall never be filled. In church on Sunday, I experienced something I’ve never felt but its not feeling that void. I told God in the midst of my tears that I’m giving my life to him. I’ll only walk the direction he wants me to but after sobbing those words my emptiness seems to be growing, engulfing my whole soul.
I’ve pretended to be so strong and resilient but it seems to only back me into a wall of solitude. Everybody claims they understand me so well but what all of you fail to realize is, this image you see is not real. The tears you’ve heard me cry are just the ones at the surface. The pain deep down inside is unimaginable. It surpasses what most of you joints call pain due to these weak ass niggas you cry about, its pass feeling that you aren’t “bad” or “fierce”, its way pass how some of you complain about friends and how fake everybody is... If I ever opened up and showed you who I really was, you’d hate me for fronting but you’d feel so dumb for ever feeling sorry about anything that remotely had to do with mentioned above. The only one who knows me, who is prolly reading this is Morg and even still I feel I hide from her because I think I have to be strong and bare witness for her. Perhaps some of us are supposed to hurt. If God wants me to be an example to the masses, I can’t complain or question him but is this all that’s in store for me.
7am, was the last time I saw the clock before I fell asleep and in the dream I had, all I could do was dream of a certain time in my life where I was content. How this summer I made up a fantasy world to feel like I was happy… the only time I’m happy is when I remember how good shit used to be and even still at the end of those memories stream hot tears and moments of confusion.
As I approach my 19th birthday, I’m extremely thankful that I’ve seen all that I’ve seen and experienced everything in my life but I can’t help but to sink into a corner and hurt… pick and re-pick emotional scabs. I admire my struggle because no matter what the fuck happens in my life, I still stand and most of the time I stand alone but I asked myself… how much can I sink in this hole and then have to dig myself out of it again.
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| coming out of hiding for a poetry moment... |
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13 September 2006 @ 3:09 AM
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mood |
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 complacent |
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music |
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Show me- Amerie |
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cuz i need to vent
Epiphanies mean nothing once the dial tone strikes me because its too late to correlate how I feel and what I’ve learned with what I need to say to you
Words like, ‘nigga you aint even my boyfriend’
Or better yet ‘I’m a fucking secret to you’
Means tears are worthless if I’m not even good enough to be seen out in the open with you
And then…
You blame the silence on me
The reason why we must duck and hide is because of me.
The comical satire that is of us, makes me delirious right now
The snickers and the eye brow raising
The mind blowing, fuck my head off love making
All are worthless because I am just a mere joke
A time consumer until something else flies by
No wonder I feel alone at night
Because I can’t have you
I can’t kiss you when I see you or whisper in your ear because this fling is exactly what I feared it to be…
A love triangle with me myself and my imagination.
I think I conjured up a fairy tale and placed you in it
Because as said before… you could never want me because if you did…
You’d see that this, nigga… all that I do for you is because I want to have you
Poems about you understanding and how I couldn’t stop at the red light
Nigga, all that was for you and now I sit stagnant… reeking of disappointment and failure
I watch you blow away like dandelion dust off fairy wings because you gave up on us long before we got here
Long before the stares and the whispers…
And now you try to do away with me.
I see it all.
I wasn’t one to give up but now I think you’re just pushing me away
You never loved me anyway
I prolly made that night up too…
I think I made your touch and your smell up as well
Because all of that shit was unreal.
Was it unreal or a lie?
And you call me fake?
The way you make my insides feel after fucking me 10 inches deep
Of course erases all of the bullshit swimming aimlessly in my head
But now, as I come down off the ceiling… I realize that you sir…
Nigga you…
You’re pushing me away.
Making it look as if I’m the one to blame and you cant even claim…
Cant even claim me
Exposure is no longer a concern of mine… I’ve barred my soul and my body to you only to have my biggest fears thrown at me
You never really wanted me anyway.
- 9/13/06
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30 August 2006 @ 11:08 PM
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I didnt die, I just grew tired of LJ. I can be found on Vox besides my sporadic moments here.
http://xxmeeklifexx.vox.com/
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14 August 2006 @ 10:08 PM
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Where have I run to?
I dont know. I guess I grew tired of lj but I think I'll be back for good very soon.
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28 July 2006 @ 10:07 PM
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I feel like laying in my bed and crying. I have no idea where the recent feelings of loneliness and misunderstandings came from but I feel lonely as shit. I'm longing for some attention and I have the urge to run to some unhealthy habits but something is holding me back and that something is him.
New subject.
I'm going psycho about my money situation yet I have the urge to go buy some R&R, True Religion and Citizens jeans.. ohh and an Ice Cream hoodie and a big ass Chanel bag. I think Imma be one of 'those' people who go to Howard who are dead ass broke but fresh as shit.
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meekly's journal